Week 20 Food Challenge - Not 5, Not 6........Not 7!

Have you ever noticed something about rush hour traffic and car accidents?  Let’s say you’re heading north at the height of rush hour, and you’re greeted with a never-ending backlog of cars.  It must be an accident, right?  As you move inch by inch, you start envisioning a fiery crash with a helicopter landing on the freeway – it can be the only explanation for the slowdown.  And then you see them – the flashing lights… ...on the OTHER side of the freeway.  The extra 45 minutes of freeway driving can be attributed to numerous drivers craning their necks for a good look at the car accident heading the other way.  Why?  Because car accidents are one of those rare things – we see the carnage, the lights, and the debris.  And although what we see may be horrible, we just can’t look away.  By now, you’re probably all very confused as to why I’d bring this up in a blog post about this week’s food challenge. You see, I’ve decided that the “fit to fat” part of my journey is like that traffic jam for my followers.  It’s disgusting, revolting, and could turn your stomach.  But you can’t help but look away – or in this case, “pile it on”.  When I put up last week’s poll, I had a feeling the "Never Ending Pasta Bowl" option was going to win.  It seemed to be the most torturous option available, and that's usually what you choose for me.  It’s like you setting up little car accidents just for me! I went to an Italian restaurant for this challenge.  Where did I go?  If I mentioned that, they’d probably sue me for making “false claims” that their food makes Americans fat.  I mean, who would believe that people would gain weight if they ate as much pasta as they could stomach?  Shocking, I know.   I also came into this challenge with no goal.  Like Vince Vaughn, from Dodgeball, "I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don’t have one, then you are never disappointed." I decided to take his advice, since I seem to have perfected the art of the failed food challenge.  Even when I compete against someone else, I tend to lose in some fashion (I’m looking at you, Irish fellow!). I started on my first bowl (Fettuccine Alfredo), trudged on from there.  It was this point that I started having feelings not really encountered since my war with the Colonel so many months ago.  Sure, back then I had convinced myself that a cartoon on the wall was out to get me, but I’m absolutely positive that the Italian Restaurant employees had it out for me on this day.  I noticed that I had to wait a longer time with every request for another bowl.  I think the managers caught on that I was the "guy" that was going to try and make them lose money on this deal, so they pulled down the “Operating Manual” and looked up the section entitled “What to do when the evening’s profits are threatened by a 3-ton elephant wanting more spaghetti”.  I have a theory that the manual calls for the following actions:
  • Add 3 minutes wait time for every bowl of pasta, to let the food actually expand in the stomach
  • Add 10 degrees to every bowl of pasta, to either force the individual to stop due to a burned mouth, or take further time to “blow on the pasta” before eating
  • Spit in each pasta bowl after #3
Okay, I made the last one up, but I’m sure they were conspiring against me.  They had to protect profit, after all! So you’re probably all wondering how I actually did.  For the sports fans out there, do you remember “The Decision” that LeBron put on ESPN?  After the famous “I’m taking my talents to South Beach”, he started rattling off the number of titles Miami would now win.  Like LeBron, I have impressive numbers to share.  In the end, I finished "Not 1", "Not 2", "Not 3", "Not 4", "Not 5", "Not 6", "Not 7"…ok, I actually stopped at 7, but you get the point.  7 bowls of pasta. In the end, I could have eaten more.   But the restaurant staff was out to get me.  They were probably secret followers that wanted to make sure this car crash was spectacular.  Either that, or I could just be trying to cover this blog post with a lot of excuses on only eating 7 bowls of pasta. Nah! (PLEASE NOTE THAT THE VIDEO BELOW IS THE ONLY VIDEO THAT I HAVE FROM THIS FOOD CHALLENGE.  THE ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ME EATING HAS BEEN LOST UNFORTUNATELY.  THIS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.  SORRY!!!)