Week 12 - Food Challenge - Aloha, Pepto Bismol!

So this is it - my first blog post since disappointing the world with the reality that I'm not a famous Jewish actor.  I guess it is only fair that I share more about the real me, and how it actually played quite a role in this week's food challenge.  You see, I'm part Hawaiian.  This means two things - 1) it may actually be in our DNA to love food and 2) being fit doesn't always play to the strengths of authentic Hawaiian cooking . But considering, I had dabbled in food challenges that could be labeled as "American" to the T (Hello!  KFC, corn dogs, Fuddruckers, burritos that would make an authentic Mexican chef weep into their corn tortillas), a friend suggested that I return to my roots - and add Loco Mocos to the food challenge poll.  Apparently, either you all have a fascination with Hawaiian pig out food, or you are openly revolting to my parade of American fast food. 

Luckily for me (and my followers), I didn't have to go to the islands for authentic Hawaiian food.  Wait, did I just say luckily?  I think the only thing lucky in this was my wallet, not having to pay for air fare.  I arrived at the local restaurant, and ordered my food.  I must admit that I had vivid flashbacks of my youth, and the Hawaiian food that I grew up on -Lau Lau, Spam Musubi, and Malasada's to name a few.  It also brought back memories of those lazy afternoons when the entrepreneur in me tried to start a side business making and selling coconut bras.  Enough about my childhood - I think I'm wishing I was the Jewish actor right about now...needless to say, I was definitely looking forward to this tasty challenge.

I brought the food home to eat (I think I had reached my limit of curious onlookers and openly disgusted individuals that had to watch these - then again, I make sure my wife has the pleasure of witnessing this week in and week out) and loaded all the food onto one of our extra large serving dishes (See Video Below).  As a side note, I am slightly appalled that I wasn't the least bit embarrassed that I required a serving dish - that should say enough about my state of mind and gut so far in this journey).  To quickly educate the non-Hawaiian population, a Loco Moco (or two in this case) consists of: 6 huge scoops of white rice, 4 large hamburger patties, 4 eggs, all covered in brown gravy sauce.  Plus, you can toss in 2 small sides of macaroni salad.  As much as I love my Hawaiian food, 50 more chicken nuggets seemed to be the smarter and easier bet.  

I began this food challenge by doing my traditional hula dance ritual to help me be able to eat all of this.  This particular dance has a double meaning - first to ensure that I eat all of the Hawaiian food in front of me.  Second, to further entrance my wife with my amazing animal magnetism.  I'm just kidding about the dance.  Oh, I still did it, but not to help me win the food challenge.

Anyways, I attacked this challenge by doing what any good eater would do - I mixed it all together so that it resembled a pig trough.  I figured it would make me feel better since I had started eating all of my meals without the use of utensils - I mean, if McDonald's doesn't require them, why should anyone?!  In the middle of this, I did realize something wonderful.  This food challenge was different than last week's (50 chicken nuggets) in that there was actually a variety of flavor instead of fried "chicken that's not really chicken, but if you close your eyes and pretend it starts to taste that way" flavor for 11 straight minutes. 

However, unlike last week's smashing success, this challenge started to become difficult due to the 6 cups of rice.  It actually felt like the rice was expanding in my stomach and I felt heavier with each bite.  Another side note - maybe I should tuck the rice excuse away - whenever someone says I've gained too much weight, I can hit them with "no, I'm actually pretty fit.  I just had rice today."  Sometimes my brilliance even surprises me.

Back to the rice...it felt like a brick falling into my stomach each time I swallowed.  I was starting to have flashbacks of my Fuddrucker challenge (the throwing up part mostly - I stayed away from lactose, at least), but said to myself, "Self.....you can't throw up ever again."  Thankfully, self agreed.  With that as his motivation, Self finally finished the 2 loco Mocos in about 25 minutes. 

To be perfectly honest, I also threw down some of the "pink stuff" to help my digestion for the rest of the night - rice can be the gift that keeps on giving.  Plus, it was my anniversary and I was taking my wife out on a date.  I didn't want to be going to the bathroom every 10 minutes or so, during the dinner and the movie.  You know, my wife expects a lot out of this specimen.  I must protect my reputation here.  

As a parting gift to my followers (like the free toy in a Happy Meal!), you can also see that I threw on my Aloha shirt at the end of the video.  My purpose was to make this a very authentic challenge.  I fear I just demonstrated how my clothes don't fit like they used to.   I remember wearing this to my brother's wedding last summer.  I don't remember the buttons dangerously threatening to attack people that walked too close.  And I'll tell you, that authentic Hula dance is a lot harder when the clothes are tighter!  I think I still nailed all the moves, though.  Right, honey?  Aloooooooha!