Week 26 Food Challenge- The Last Doughnut (or 3) Standing!

The last one.  I can’t even wrap my head around that.  After 6 months of an unrestricted diet, Saturdays in restaurants with the wife (passed off as poor versions of a romantic date), and watching various onlookers experience my “feats”, only to set their own food down with a grimace that clearly states “I think he just ate enough for both of us”, I’m finally done.

My last food challenge marks a lot of “lasts” in the first leg of my fit2fat2fit journey.  It’s the last meal without restriction.  It’s the last time I purposefully eat something that contains more fat than worthwhile calorie.  And, sadly (okay, maybe only for me), it’s the last real chance I have to come up with inventive excuses that cause eye rolling across the nation, and my own conscience to be a little less guilt ridden.  And, in a flash of symmetry, I decided that it would be fitting that my last food challenge was exactly like my first – 12 doughnuts.  Ah, how the time has flown, and the pounds have piled.

It was May 7, 2011 when the first doughnut challenge took place.  Indeed, those doughnuts where the first foods that I treated myself to as I started the assault on my abs (yep, I had those at one point.  If you forgot, don’t feel bad.  I did too.).  I was able to lay waste to 7, so as I revisited the challenge 6 months later, I figured 12 wouldn’t be a problem.  Anything less would be abject failure.

Yet, as I sit here, recounting the last of these challenges, I can only reflect on a few of the unfortunate incidents that contributed to my…uh…difficulties in finding personal success.  In true Fit2Fat2Fit blog fashion, let’s recount these difficulties, one by one.

Reason #1: The Public Eye

You know what they say about not being able to “perform” in public?  This must have been contributory in my final challenge.  Usually, my wife is behind the camera, and the only real onlookers are those slightly disgusted patrons of my restaurant of choice.  This time, in addition to my wife, we also had a full camera crew from 20/20.  Hey, the next time you’re going to eat 12 doughnuts as a food challenge, you try doing it with an audience!

Reason #2: Oh, dear

As I prepare to write this next piece, I realize it’s been awhile since I tried to pin my lack of success in a food challenge on my significant other.  It’s like pulling out your trick plays in football.  If you went there every week, it wouldn’t be special, nor would it be effective.  I think it’s been long enough since I used this excuse…err…very valid reason that fully vindicates my lack of performance.  You see, my first challenge consisted of Krispy Kremes.  My wife, bless her heart, either had a 6-month brain freeze trying to keep track of these challenges, or simply wanted to punish me for about 4 months of a nightly snorefest.  I’m leaning towards the latter, but needless to say, these doughnuts were not created equal.  They were bigger (I’d compare each to a hubcap from a Hummer), denser (I’m beginning to believe they were the consistency of cement…delicious cement, yes, but cement nonetheless!), and more evil (I have no proof of this…but it makes this reason sound much more believable).

Reason #3: Protecting my upchuck reputation

Once I accepted the fact that the doughnuts weren’t the same, I still tackled them two at a time.  And beyond the occasional lockjaw from the doughnuts of dense proportions, the first six went down pretty easily. Alas, #6 was a bit more difficult, and #7 was downright painful.  And then the nausea set in.  Sitting with two cameras, multiple onlookers, and 5 more doughnuts in front of me, I started having visions of what the 20/20 intro would look like if a vomiting incident actually occurred.  I pounded #9 down, and decided to call it quits.  Not because I couldn’t finish (it was in the bag, trust me), but because I have a reputation to protect.  A non-vomiting YouTube reputation, that is.

In the end, 9 of the 12 doughnuts were gone.  And in fitting fashion, for the three that remained, I had 3 big, dense, and evil reasons for my lack of complete success in my very last food challenge.  Hey, in true Fit2Fat2Fit fashion, we’ll just call it a semi-victory and move right along.  I must admit I’ll miss claiming victory each week when I really have no business doing so.  Wait, did I just say that out loud?

I must say that I won’t miss the weekly food challenges.  The challenges were truly meant to be for entertainment purposes only, and as a unique measuring stick to see how my tastes, appetite, and ability to eat small farm animals in a single sitting had evolved over six months.  I certainly hope that this portion wasn’t that of the average American diet.  But with the final food challenge completed, the final excuses written, and the final look from my wife (you know, the one where she’s wondering where filming me eating doughnuts to the point of nausea fits into those vow things we went over at our wedding), I now look to the future.  After all, I think I exceeded expectations on my fit2fat portion of the journey.  Now it’s time to get fit with all of you…this time, with no excuses allowed.